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Golden Globes host Nikki Glaser appeared on SiriusXM’s The Howard Stern Show this morning and shared what jokes she cut from her opening monologue Sunday.
Here’s one: “You know, people just aren’t going to the theaters to see things and if you don’t believe me, there was a movie this year where Sydney Sweeney played a lesbian who just bounced around in tiny shorts for two hours and it made $14.”
And: “You know, everyone’s concerned about AI. Tilly Norwood is the first star to be completely generated by AI and somehow has still been sexually assaulted by three different studio execs.”
Watch the video clips below.
Glaser, who said she calls the roster of cut jokes her “Stern File,” had a bunch of jabs at celebrities that didn’t make the final cut. Such as:
- “Sean Penn is nominated tonight, I’m assuming for best neck veins?”
- “Sean Penn is here looking like the defiant last tree standing in a rainforest.”
- Leonardo DiCaprio “always looks like he’s squinting. Leo, why are you always squinting? I mean, I assume it’s to read your girlfriend’s ID. Just making sure that the year starts with a two.”
- “Amy Poehler is here for her podcast Good Hang, which is what Timothée Chalamet says after sex.”
- “Julia Roberts is nominated for After The Hunt. I don’t know what it’s about, but I’m assuming the hunt was to find someone who’s seen it?”
- “Jonathan Bailey is here. Jonathan is the first openly gay man to be named the Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine, and at first I was like, ‘Do we really need to say openly?’ and then I looked at a list of past winners and I was like, ‘Oh yeah, we do.'”
- “Jeff Goldblum is here tonight, not because he is nominated just because they were shooting an ad for Apartments.com down the street and he just kind of wandered in. Jeff doing ads for Apartments.com is hilarious. You haven’t lived in apartments since you were a fly.”
- “One Battle After Another had so many incredible performances. Chase Infinity is nominated for Best Actress tonight and Chase Infinity is her real name, and this is true. If you apply now, you can earn 5% cash back on all travel booked through her through the end of the year, so get on that. It is a great deal.”
- “Chase Infiniti Payne is actually her real name. Chase Infiniti Payne, which is also how Sean Penn gets an erection. He chases infinity pain.”
- “Brad Pitt is nominated for his role in F1 tonight. See, that’s what I love about Hollywood. When a man turns 60, he gets to play a race car driver. Meanwhile, after 35, every role for a woman is tired mom who hates her life.”
- “Pluribus is nominated. Did you guys know that Pluribus is Latin for I haven’t seen it?”
- Glaser said David Spade gave her this joke: “I just saw Sean Penn and maybe he’s taking The Substance wrong?”
Glaser explained to Stern why some jokes just don’t make it. “Things do live on in some way and maybe sometimes a joke is just for the room.” She added that there have been times “where jokes have really hurt people’s feelings” or she thought, “I’ve gone too far and I feel like I’m always okay with losing stuff now. I wasn’t before.”
“It was always really hard to cut those jokes,” she said, “and now I’m just like, ‘You just don’t get everything you want and you just gotta move on and let’s just write a better joke. There’s gotta be a better joke out there.'”
Asked by Stern whether she had gotten Sean Penn’s ok before joking “Everyone in Hollywood is desperate to look younger – meanwhile, Sean Penn is like ‘What if I slowly morphed into a sexy leather handbag?’” – Glaser revealed that she had indeed.
“That was one where I was like, ‘I think I need to.’ I thought, ‘What is it gonna do in the room? If he makes a face, everyone in the room is not gonna laugh even if it is funny and even if he does look exactly like a handbag.’ I actually told Jimmy Kimmel that joke. I whispered it in his ear. He was like, ‘That guy, I don’t think he’s ever brushed his hair.’ He said, ‘That guy’s not vain. This isn’t gonna hurt his feelings…’”
Glaser added that the Penn joke wouldn’t have worked with a female actor. “If someone said that about me, I would be devastated, but it’s different for men and I was okay with doing that joke because I am attracted to him. I watched that movie and my boyfriend was uncomfortable with how horny I was for him in that.”
Said Stern, “He’s known as kind of a live wire. You don’t know. He might jump up on the stage and Will Smith you. You know what I mean? You just don’t know with this guy.”
“That was the part of the monologue that I was just like, ‘Once I get past that, I’ll be okay,'” Glaser said.
On a more serious note, Glaser told Stern why she paid tribute to the late Rob Reiner by wearing a Spinal Tap ball cap at the end of the show.
“It was so heavy and so tragic,” Glaser said about Reiner’s death. “I thought Chelsea Handler did a really great job of it in her Critics’ Choice speech. I felt like it came from a really personal place because she knew him really well and I just felt like I don’t know if I’m the right person to deliver this message. The Golden Globes doesn’t have an In Memoriam. What I really thought was if the tables were turned, what would I want Rob Reiner to do for me? That would be enough for me. Just a little joke, a little nod. A reference to his work.”
The Howard Stern Show, which airs on SiriusXM channel Howard 100, is broadcast live Mondays and Tuesdays starting at 7:00 am ET. The full show is also available on the SiriusXM app.
Video clips below, provided by SiriusXM’s The Howard Stern Show.
English (US) ·